Happy Chinese New Year

Wishing everyone a Happy Chinese New Year! In view of the festivities… I’m taking a short break and will be back with a new post next week. Thanks for dropping by!

Something I Discovered Through My Wife

I had a tough time over the weekeend with my wife. Not because she was being difficult, but because I was thinking unreasonably. We were going about doing our usual weekend spring cleaning. Being a mama’s boy, all the hard work and chores were usually done by my mom or the hired maid. Which pretty much means I don’t know how to do housework… and if possible, let someone else do the job.

Ok, so what happened during our cleaning was I had simply shuffled some things from one part of our home to another instead of clearing it up and putting it in its proper place. She got really upset and was furious with me for not doing things properly. In her anger, she accidently made a mess of a few things and blamed me for it. I can understand that she’s upset with my lack of house cleaning skills ( among many other skills I’m lacking as a husband ). I also knew that it was my fault for being lazy and not doing things properly. However, I could not see how it was my fault when she made a mess and she blamed me. Needless to say… I was also upset.

I thought it was just something I could put aside, move forward and things would return to normal. We have been together for 4 years as of yesterday 4th of February… and I know my wife only gets upset when things are not done right or not done properly. The good thing however, is that she calms down and returns to normal as quickly as she gets upset. So she was upset for a few minutes and soon after she was her usual cheerful self. On the other hand, an ugly truth about myself was also revealed in that incident.

I discovered that I could not let go of what happened. I could not accept how it was my fault when she was the one who made the mess. Anyhow, I found it incredibly difficult to communicate with her throughout the weekend. I didn’t know or understand what was happening as I usually don’t express my feelings. My wife was happy as usual, but I simply felt miserable. I was constantly trying to justify how I was wrong for what she did… and that line of thinking made me miserable.

Finally on Sunday evening, I realised that I was feeling resentful of her for blaming me. I knew she wasn’t happy that I was ignoring her throughout the weekend… but she still tried to be her usual self and kept asking me if I was alright and I just said I was ok. Just as we were about to call it a night, I couldn’t stand not telling her how I was feeling. So as she was getting ready to sleep, I just told her as best as I could about my feelings. I told her how I felt resentful of her and the reason why. I explained that I knew why she was upset at the time and how I thought I could just put it behind me.

After listening to me patiently, she told me she never knew I felt that way as I hid my feelings from her. She did feel hurt and told me she found it a little harder to trust me because I was not truthful about my feelings. I apologised for my childish behaviour and told her I was thankful she was being very patient with me. I also told her how I needed her to learn and understand more about my feelings so I could learn to express it sooner and more clearly.

The following morning, as I saw her off to work, she reminded me that she loves me… and that while she will always be there to help me understand myself better… I had to make an effort to learn to sort through my own feelings. After all, we’re in this marriage together and we want it to last. I want it to last… and as our vows said… till death us do part. So, it was a difficult lesson to learn but I’m willing to learn from my mistakes to be a better husband.

What I was looking for in a wife

After being asked by my friends and family on several occasions, I would like to share my personal thoughts on what I was looking for in a wife. Being a Christian, she must definitely be a born again Christian herself. If possible, so should her family although that is of lesser importance. I would never in my life end up marrying someone who is not a Christian. The reason is simple, in accordance and obedience to God’s word in the bible.

The second most important thing I was looking for in a wife is a woman that would be completely frank and honest with me. I wanted someone who was not afraid of telling me the truth as it is… regardless of whether it was hurtful ( which it often was ). Those 2 criterias are the most important.. other things such as physical beauty, intellectual ability, etc… did not matter so much. Naturally, being a man, I would want someone who was attractive and pleasing to look at, someone whom I was comfortable with and able to have open conversations. Having a woman who would speak her mind is definitely a must have.

So I prayed for these things many years ago during my university days. Physically speaking, I would like someone who had long flowing hair, big beautiful eyes and a cheerful smile. Personality wise, I wanted someone who was cheerful, bubbly and just fun to hang around with. Intellectually, I hoped for someone who was intelligent and was willing to talk about any issue regardless of how serious or silly it may be.

Of course, as long as I found someone who was a Christian and is unafraid of speaking her mind, that would be more than I could ask for. Everything else was secondary. 2 years later, I found her… and after another 3 years and 9 months, we were married… and she is everything I had prayed for… and much much more. She is my best friend, my teacher, my constant companion and, of course, my wife. She has helped me grow so much in the past 4 years since we started our journey together in this relationship.

It has been a very difficult and stormy journey as there was a whole lot of conflict and argument in the earlier days of our relationship. I was definitely unprepared to deal with her frankness and blunt honestly… but as time went by, I learned to understand her better and am still learning to see things from her point of view. I know she loves me deeply and will not tolerate anything that gets in the way of developing a solid relationship between us… even if it is necessary to get into arguments when I have been less than sensitive or just been laid back.

If there is one thing that I have learned as I am being constantly reminded… is that I must always be on my guard. I must be quick to correct my mistakes, acknowledge my faults and re-establish a good line of communication with my wife whenever misunderstanding or an argument breaks out. While I am hopeless when it comes to love, God has given me a good mind to think and to learn… and He has provided me the best teacher on how to love someone other than myself… my wife herself.

Thanks dear… I love you… and wouldn’t know how to if it weren’t for you.

How I learned to love my wife… and still learning.

It is obvious that men have absolutely no clue as to how to love a woman. I’m no expert nor an experienced husband to be giving any advice, but what I will say comes from my experience during my courtship with my wife sprinkled with some words of wisdom from our loving parents. I know there any plenty of resources you can find with how-to guides, x number of things to do for your wife, and etc… but what I will attempt to say goes much deeper than just the acts of showing love.

When I started dating my wife, I did my best to pay attention to her. Whenever she wanted or needed something, I would be more than happy to get it for her. If she desired to have a nice and fancy dinner, I would gladly take her to her favourite restaurants. I bought her flowers, gifts, clothing, jewellery, accessories and any other thing she could or would want. She loved to read novels and I would make the effort find out which ones she had and which author’s books she enjoyed. I certainly spent a small fortune to show that I loved her very much… and yet, there were a times when she said she didn’t feel loved. She did tell me that she appreciates all the loving gestures, the gifts and the money I was spending on her. Yet, somehow it just wasn’t enough. I used to think that she was very demanding and she was constantly asking for more of me.

It took me years to even begin to understand how to show my love for her. Each time when she felt unloved, she would mention it and explain how she felt… and yet I just could not understand why she should feel unloved despite all that I tried to do. Truth is, I wasn’t really trying… or at least, I didn’t even know how to try to love her. After awhile, I just simply asked her what I should do and what I should have done to prevent her from feeling unloved. She told me simply, “think of me always”… which was exactly what I did. I thought of her daily and would constantly text her saying, “I love you” and, “I miss you”. After awhile she told me to stop… and I did not understand why… so she explained it to me again. She explained that what she meant was, I needed to think of her in my thoughts, in my actions and in how I go about my daily activities. Simply put, she wanted me to be thoughtful of her.

I just wish it were that easy to do. But as with a lot of things, practice makes perfect and I was determined to learn to love her the way she wants to be loved. That is the key when it comes to loving your wife… love her in a way she knows she is loved. To find out, simply ask her… then be patient enough to listen, determined enough to keep learning and humble enough to admit your mistakes and weaknesses. If she is unwilling to tell you, then you need to be patient and continue to convince her that you do want to learn to love her.

This coming 4th of February marks our 4th year together. The 10th of February will be our 3rd month as a married couple. To date, I have become better at identifying her moods, anticipating her feelings and learning to think before I act in consideration of her. I have also learned to accept and love her for who she is… and constantly tell her that I love her regardless of her appearance, mood or behaviour. My wife has her good days and some horribly bad ones. I’m thankful that God has granted me the grace to be patient with her during those down times. It started out terribly difficult for me to even be near her… but thankfully things are improving and God is helping me to mature a little more each day. I still desire to grow and learn to love her more. While I am able to be there with her regardless of how her day went or her mood, I still have plenty to learn about being a good comforter and encourager. My dearest Shir Li, I will keep growing and learning to be a better and more loving husband to you.

Coming up next in no particular order:

• Keeping promises
• How I proposed to my wife
• The most important thing I was looking for in a wife

Why I moved out of my parents place

I had a chat with a good friend from my university days today. Amidst the usual greetings, she asked me, “Why did I move out of my parents place when I got married?” and “What’s wrong with staying with them?”. My reply was simply, “the best way to get into a whole lot of problems is to stay with my parents”. After our conversation ended, I thought about what I had said and knew there was a deeper reason for it.

In Matthew 19:4-5, Jesus said:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?

Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7 and Ephesians 5:31 also mention the exact same thing. God created both male and female and united them in marriage. It is in accordance to what I was taught in the bible that I had based my decision to move out. This is also an important topic that came up between my wife and I even before we were married. During our discussions, it was clearly obvious we needed our own place to stay once we were married. Here are some of the reasons from the top of my head (there are definitely more).

• When we have an disagreement or argument, where are we going to discuss about the issues we’re facing? I certainly DO NOT want my entire family knowing I had an argument with my wife. Also, it would be obvious who they would usually support in a fight which will add to our already trying situation.
• When we’re having ‘one of those days’ when everything seems to go wrong and our moods become stormy, it would definitely make things worse to have to pretend everything is going fabulous in front of family. On our own, we’re able to be who we are and have the freedom to express our feelings to each other.
• Personal time will no longer be personal with family members constantly roaming around with ears peeled for any sounds. From sharing our thoughts and feelings to having more intimate moments and even sex, it would be impossible to be even remotely relaxed or comfortable.
• A marriage is between husband and wife. Not with father, mother, sister or any other relative. Whatever happens between my wife and I should just remain between us unless we ask for advice or help. As a young married couple, we need to learn to stand on our own 2 feet and learn how we behave, each other’s quirks and other things that happen only in marriage.

Just to add, I had moved out from my parents place much earlier (slightly more than a year before getting married) as I had learned and realised I had little experience taking care of myself with most of the chores and housekeeping already being taken care of. To learn to take care of my future wife back then, I had to move out so I could learn to take care of myself. I had to do my own laundry, housekeeping, cleaning the toilets and a stream of other household chores that I had taken for granted while staying with my parents. It was definitely a major experience with many challenges. Thankfully my soon-to-be wife was more than happy to show me how she took care of these things at her home. I will be forever grateful for the lessons she taught me and the experience from that 1 year on my own. Thank you so much my darling wife, Shir Li, for all those lessons. I love you

Coming up next: How I learned to love my wife… and still learning.

Welcome!

Hey, welcome to The Romantic Blockhead! My name is Zeke and as of today, 10th of December, I’ll be celebrating the first month anniversary of my marriage to my lovely wife, Shir Li. I wanted to have a platform to brainstorm and come up with ideas on how I could learn to love Shir Li more and also become a more romantic husband. I have learnt that romance is absolutely necessary in a marriage to keep it alive and I will do my best to share those experiences with you as I strive to be more romantic.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” ~ Ephesians 5:25

Thanks for dropping by and stay tuned as I get my amatuer romantic brain cells cranking.